My elder stepbrother is getting married tommorrow and I hope I can get up in time for the ROM. I wish to go because I think I should respect them by attending. After all, we are a family.

Mum has always being too frank with her words. Sometimes I don’t know if she really meant it. Other times, when she scolded nastily, I doubted and thought maybe she was really mad. It’s difficult to predict her; she is a tough book filled with difficult vocabularies, far from an easy read.

It is true that being too blunt or direct can be annoying but it’s the same the other way for being too reserve. It seems to be difficult to strike a balance between the two to make communication smooth and unhurtful. I think most people decided to take the latter of the two generalised methods and choose to keep silent when it comes to sensitive issues.

Sometimes I wonder if there is still any meaning to remain together. There is no trust, no effective communication, no sensible discussion on family matters. Parents think they are the head of the family and so they can decide whatever they want without seeking children’s opinions. Children are not raised to follow orders.

But still, whenever I have a simple meal alone with my dad, I got choked abit by my tears. It surprise me how emotional I am to feel nostalgic just to have a simple meal.

I spent more time with my step mum than with my biological dad. It wouldn’t surprise anyone that I will be saddened if my dad leaves me. Frankly, it will be the same to my step mum since we had spent almost 10 years living together.

No matter what, being hideous and unpredictable is what I fear of all. Because it makes me think what exactly the person has in mind. It sometimes scares me a little when I am not able to guess or catch any hints from the other. Relationships can be so fragile.

I’m glad that my mum, the least she can do for a better communication is to nag/scold. haha, contradicting. Its like craving for chocolate even though I know it’s going to put weight on me. Eating french fries like it is fat-free. Even though sometimes she overly enjoyed to being the Commander.

Reflection is inevitable after commenting on others, at least morally.

Ok, it appears that everything is running in order since the downtime of my host server 3 days ago due to a hdd crash at the datacenter. I seriously disappointed at the amount of downtime I get, but thought I should give it another chance a little longer since I paid for it and they said they upgraded the memory . I will monitor the downtime for another 1 month or so, then if still not satisfactory, i’ll do a server hop when I get the funds.

chinese new year (cny) in a day’s time. Let me sum up what just happened awhile ago for the reunion day. Yesterday my sister brought back a baby bird which doesn’t know how to fly properly (still learning I guess). Today, while still sleeping I learnt that my brother played with it and it flew away and dropped down to a tree. Sis found it and a crow tried attacking it. She sort of blame my brother for playing with the bird, causing it to flew away from safety. tension felt, its going to be another ‘argumentative’ cny again.

Tension builds up, hatred grows with it and soon, follows a departure.

Game servers have their routine down time, or unexpected down time. I guess my server just had an unexpected down time too.

Have been feeling really down for the past few days. Over many issues. Because i’m easily agitated, i’ve experience many down times. =/ yday was crying softly for hours and hours while playing game. =(

Today went cwp to get some prepaid cards with my brother. Had lunch with him. Chat about family problems. we both agreed upon some stuffs and were unhappy.

anyway, i guess i’m rather delighted to know from my brother that i might be the one my real mama doted most. =) I asked him whether mama caned us (cause i have relatively no recollection on it). He told me, he think that mama caned us, because she don’t want let my papa caned. lol cause usually papa that time cane until v fierce, sometimes can bleed 1 =( abit nostalgic when talked about her. missed her soo sooo soo very much

*little keai cries for mama sometimes too

Recently (maybe not so), dear’s brother received two adorable gerbils from his friends. yes, adorable, but one attempted to bite me! anyway, both of them are female.

Dunno their names, one of them eating while the other showing her butt (sound familar )

i love this pic, they are so close