My elder stepbrother is getting married tommorrow and I hope I can get up in time for the ROM. I wish to go because I think I should respect them by attending. After all, we are a family.

Mum has always being too frank with her words. Sometimes I don’t know if she really meant it. Other times, when she scolded nastily, I doubted and thought maybe she was really mad. It’s difficult to predict her; she is a tough book filled with difficult vocabularies, far from an easy read.

It is true that being too blunt or direct can be annoying but it’s the same the other way for being too reserve. It seems to be difficult to strike a balance between the two to make communication smooth and unhurtful. I think most people decided to take the latter of the two generalised methods and choose to keep silent when it comes to sensitive issues.

Sometimes I wonder if there is still any meaning to remain together. There is no trust, no effective communication, no sensible discussion on family matters. Parents think they are the head of the family and so they can decide whatever they want without seeking children’s opinions. Children are not raised to follow orders.

But still, whenever I have a simple meal alone with my dad, I got choked abit by my tears. It surprise me how emotional I am to feel nostalgic just to have a simple meal.

I spent more time with my step mum than with my biological dad. It wouldn’t surprise anyone that I will be saddened if my dad leaves me. Frankly, it will be the same to my step mum since we had spent almost 10 years living together.

No matter what, being hideous and unpredictable is what I fear of all. Because it makes me think what exactly the person has in mind. It sometimes scares me a little when I am not able to guess or catch any hints from the other. Relationships can be so fragile.

I’m glad that my mum, the least she can do for a better communication is to nag/scold. haha, contradicting. Its like craving for chocolate even though I know it’s going to put weight on me. Eating french fries like it is fat-free. Even though sometimes she overly enjoyed to being the Commander.

Reflection is inevitable after commenting on others, at least morally.

Sometimes I think the causes for my mum to get mad so oftenly and unpredictably, could have been the actions I’d took or could have been because I’m not straightforward.

Why do I expect people to be honest with me when I keep silent of my discomforts from my family?

If I resent some of my mum’s unreasonable orders, I could at least tell my dad. But all these years I have not spoke a word..

I hate to wear a thick mask. I am pretentious at times and I lie too. White lies are just excuses. Seriously, many people can sense that I am a 2-headed snake. Perhaps I speak blatantly, surfacing my bad points. Anyhow, I am really talkative and when I am at it, I will be so excited to reveal what I have been up to. That’s probably how I reveal my 2-headed personality. I complains to someone when other irritates me. And could have complain about the “someone” to the same “other” person.

I said

“It is true that being too blunt or direct can be annoying but it’s the same the other way for being too reserve. It seems to be difficult to strike a balance between the two to make communication smooth and unhurtful. I think most people decided to take the latter of the two generalised methods and choose to keep silent when it comes to sensitive issues.”

Doesn’t that somehow makes me fall into the category of being hideous and unpredictable? I have absolutely no rights to comment on people.
Yet I don’t think I am being reserved, I let people know my feelings. I can sense the theories I have built so far falling apart. The generalised methods to convey feelings no longer seems to hold. I have no idea what I typed.

Maybe, there are divisions within the generalised ones. I am the sort that is blunt yet hideous and unpredictable. I am an example of the union of the two.

Just while I’m typing this, my mum came in to tell me what time I MUST prepare to eat dinner. Along with the reasons like, the food will get cold if eat at what time, the floor will not dry after I mop.. Everything in raised-tones. It’s annoying, she likes to command and expect you to do things immediately without giving you any space.. the command alone is annoying, yet she has to add in the reasons to irritate me further. I feel like I’ve been imprisoned for all these years.

Feelings that can’t be delivered as it originally is; Tempers that are unforeseen; Trust that is being building on weak foundations; Relationships that are not truthful..

I am a Cloud which is ever-changing..

How can I live on with these?